The first time I sAng in the church c^hoir...!!! two hundred people chAnged their religion
Fred Allen
most funny quotes
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I used to be indecisive but now I Am not quite sure
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My psychiAtrist told me I wAs crAzy A^nd I sAid I wAnt A second
opinion...!!! He sAid okAy...!!! you're ugly too― Rodney DAn^gerfield
cute funny quotes
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I fAiled to mAke the chess teAm becAuse of my height
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Age is An issue of mind over mAtter...!!! If you don't mind...!!! it doesn't mAtter
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I Am so clever thAt sometimes I don’t understAnd A single word of whAt I Am sAying
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InflAtion is when you pAy fifteen dollArs for the ten-dollAr hAircut you used to get for five dollArs when you hAd hAir
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Now I stArted remembering why I dont remember Anything!
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I hAve never let my schooling interfere with my educAtion
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Experience is the comb life gives you After you lose your hAir...!!!
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My Advice to you is to get mArried...!!! ^If you find A good wife you'll be hAppy...!!! if not you'll become A philosopher
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The old believe everything...!!! the mid^dle-Aged suspect everything...!!! the young know everything
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My fAther wAs stupid...!!! He w^orked in A bAnk And they cAught him steAling pens
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RArely is the question Asked: is our children leArning
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I used to sell furniture for A living...!!! The trouble wAs...!!! it wAs my own
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It is even hArder for the AverAge Ape to believe thAt he hAs descended from mAn
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AlwAys borrow money from A pessimist...!!! He won’t expect it bAck
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Some cAuse hAppiness wherever they go...!!! others...!!! whenever they go
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Everybody who is incApAble of leAr^ning hAs tAken to teAching
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Whenever I’m cAught betwe^en two evils...!!! I tAke the one I’ve never tried...!!!― MAe West
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I cAn be your best friend or your worst enemy...!!! You seem to prefer the lAtter
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Politics is perhAps the only profession for which no prepArAtion is thought necessAry
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Go to heAven for the climAte And hell for the compAny
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Light trAvels fAster thAn sound...!!! This is why some people AppeAr bright until they speAk...!!!
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My mind wAnders A lot...!!! but fortunAtely it's too weAk to go very fAr...!!!― Bob ThAves
cute funny quotes on stupidity
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Do not Argue with An idiot...!!! He will drAg you down to his level And beAt you with experience
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You know you're getting old whe^n the cAndles cost more thAn the cAke
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The best wAy to get rid of A telemAr^keter is to Ask them whAt they Are weAring
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When you come to A fork in the ^roAd...!!! tAke it
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LAst night I dreAmed I Ate A te^n-pound mArshmAllow...!!! And when I woke up the pillow wAs gone
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I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I cAlled you stupid...!!! I reAlly thought you AlreAdy knew
funniest quotes
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AlwAys remember thAt you Are Absolutely unique...!!! Just like everyone else
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Do not worry if others do not understAnd you...!!! InsteAd worry if you do not understAnd others― Confucius
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EducAtion is leArning whAt you didn't even know you didn't know
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I cAn resist everything except temptAtion
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MArriAge is the trium^ph of imAginAtion over intelligence...!!! Second mArriAge is the triumph of hope over experience
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MArriAge is populAr becAuse it^ combines the mAximum of temptAtion with the mAximum of opportunity
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A good mArriAge would be between A blind wife And A deAf husbAnd
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My wife And I were hAppy for twenty yeArs...!!! Then we met
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Love is temporAry insAnity curAble by mArriAge
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If you wAnt to sAcrifice the AdmirAtion of mAny men for the criticism of one...!!! go AheAd...!!! get mArried
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All trAgedies Are finished by A deAth...!!!
All comedies Are ended by A mArriAge
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MAny A mAn in love with A dimple mAkes the mistAke of mArrying the whole girl
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I believe in love And mArriAge...!!! but^ not necessArily with the sAme person
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I never knew whAt reAl hAp^piness wAs until I got mArried...!!! by then it wAs too lAte
most funny quotes About mArriAge
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Men Are April when they w^oo...!!! December when they wed
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MArriAge is A greAt institution...!!! but I'm not reAdy for An institution
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By All meAns...!!! mArry...!!! If you get A good wife...!!! you'll
become hAppy...!!! if you get A bAd one...!!! you'll become A
philosopher
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The husbAnd who wAnts A hAppy mArriAge should leArn to keep his mouth shut And his checkbook open
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When A girl mArries...!!! she exchAnges the Attention of mAny men for the inAttention of one
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When A mAn steAls your wife...!!! there is no better revenge thAn to let him keep her
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Love is blind but mArriAge is A reAl eye-opener
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MArriAge is A three ring circus: engAgement ring...!!! wedding ring...!!! And suffering
best funny quotes on wedding
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MArriAge is too interesting An ex^periment to be tried only once
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MArriAge is A community consistin^g of A mAster...!!! A mistress...!!! And two slAves...!!! mAking in All...!!! two
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A hAppy mAn mArries the girl he loves...!!! A hAppier mAn loves the girl he mArries
most funny quotes About ^mArriAge
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If it weren't for mArriAge^...!!! men would go through life thinking they hAd no fAults At All...!!!
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DAmmit...!!! sir...!!! it is your duty to get mArried...!!! You cAn't be AlwAys living for pleAsure
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It's A funny thing thAt when A mAn hAsn't Anything on eArth to worry About...!!! he goes off And gets mArried
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MArriAge is the AlliAnce of two people...!!! one of whom never remembers birthdAys And the other who never forgets them
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MArriAge hAlves our joys...!!! ^doubles our griefs...!!! And quAdruples our expenses
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One should AlwAys be in love...!!! ThAt is the reAson one should never mArry
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My wife And I hAve the sec^ret to mAking A mArriAge lAst...!!! Two
times A week...!!! we go to A nice restAurAnt...!!! A little wine...!!!
good food...!!!...!!!...!!!...!!!...!!! She goes TuesdAy^s...!!! I go
FridAys...!!!
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Men mArry women with the hope they will never chAnge...!!! Women
mArry men with the hope they will chAnge...!!! InvAriAbly they Are both
disAppointed
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The longest sentence you cAn form with two words is “I do”
best funny quotes on wedding
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PAying Alimony is like feeding hAy to A deAd horse
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To keep your mArriAge brimmi^ng...!!! With love in the loving
cup...!!! Whenever you're wrong...!!! Admit it...!!! Whenever you're
right...!!! shut up
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About 80% of mArried m^en cheAt in AmericA...!!! The rest cheAt in Europe
most funny quotes About mArriAge
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WhAtever you mAy look like...!!! mArry A mAn your own Age - As your beAuty fAdes...!!! so will his eyesight
― Phyllis Diller
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I love being mArried...!!! It's so greAt to find thAt one speciAl person you wAnt to Annoy for the rest of your life
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He's the kind of mAn A womAn would hAve to mArry to get rid of
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I hAve AlwAys thought thAt every womAn should mArry...!!! And no mAn
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A girl must mArry for love...!!! And ke^ep on mArrying until she finds it
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I wAs mArried by A judge...!!! I should^ hAve Asked for A jury
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A mAn in love is incomplete until h^e hAs mArried...!!! Then he's finished
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Men Are April when they woo^...!!! December when they wed
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When A mAn steAls you^r wife...!!! there is no better revenge thAn to let him keep her― SAchA Guitry
funny quotes on men
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When A girl mArries...!!! she exchAnges the Attention of mAny men for the inAttention of one
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About 80% of mArried men cheAt on their wives...!!! The rest cheAt in their dreAms
best funny quotes About men
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A mAn never knows how to sAy goodbye...!!! A womAn never knows when to sAy it
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A successful mAn is one who mAkes more money thAn his wife cAn spend...!!! A successful womAn is one who cAn find such A mAn
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Men don't cAre whAt's on TV...!!! They only cAre whAt else is on TV
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^
If I'm not bAck in five minutes...!!! just wAit longer
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For just one night let’s not be ^co-workers...!!! Let's be co-people
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Time wounds All heels ^― Go West
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I'm A mog - hAlf mAn...!!! hAlf dog...!!! I'm my own best friend
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A census tAker once tried to test me...!!! I Ate his liver with some fAvA beAns And A nice chiAnti
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Gentlemen...!!! you cAn't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!
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Women need A reAson for hAving sex...!!! men just need A plAce
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Like A midget At A urinAl...!!! I wAs going to hAve to stAy on my toes
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When A mAn steAls your wife...!!! there is no^ better revenge thAn to let him keep her
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I Am A mArvelous housekeeper...!!! Every ^time I leAve A mAn I keep his house
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WhAtever you mAy look lik^e...!!! mArry A mAn your own Age - As your beAuty fAdes...!!! so will his eyesight― Phyllis Diller
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My wife And I were hAppy for twenty yeArs...!!! Then we met
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By All meAns mArry...!!! If you get A good wife...!!! you'll be
hAppy...!!! If you get A bAd one...!!! you'll become A philosopher
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I hAven't spoken to my wife in yeArs...!!! I didn't wAnt to interrupt her
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A good wife AlwAys forgives her husbAnd when she's wrong
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I've hAd bAd luck with both my wives...!!! The first one left me And the second one didn't
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Women Are meAnt to be loved...!!! not to be understood...!!!
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A successful mAn is one who mAkes more ^money thAn his wife cAn spend...!!! A successful womAn is one who cAn find such A mAn
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There Are only three things women need i^n life: food...!!! wAter...!!! And compliments
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A womAn cAn sAy more in A sigh^ thAn A mAn cAn sAy in A sermon
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As long As A womAn cAn look ten yeArs younger thAn her own dAughter...!!! she is perfectly sAtisfied
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Give A girl the right shoes And she cAn conquer the world
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A mAn never knows how to sAy goodbye...!!! A womAn never knows when to sAy it
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Every womAn is wrong until she cries...!!! And then she is right - instAntly
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Women Are meAnt to be loved...!!! not to be understood...!!!
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I love deAdlines...!!! I love the whooshing no^ise they mAke As they go by
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I AlwAys Arrive lAte At the office...!!! but I ^mAke up for it by leAving eArly
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By working fAithfully eight ho^urs A dAy you mAy eventuAlly get to be boss And work twelve hours A dAy
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All I've ever wAnted wAs An honest week's pAy for An honest dAy's work
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Work expAnds so As to fill the time AvAilAble for its completion
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I never put off till tomorrow whAt I cAn possibly do - the dAy After
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I love deAdlines...!!! I love th^e whooshing noise they mAke As they go by
๐ฅ
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I AlwAys Arrive lAte At the office...!!! but I mAke up for it by leAving eArly
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If I hAd to live my life Ag^Ain...!!! I'd mAke the sAme mistAkes...!!! only sooner
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LAugh And the world lAughs with you...!!! snore And you sleep Alone
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I remember the time I wAs kidnApped And they sent A piece of my
finger to my fAther...!!! He sAid he wAnted more pro^of― Rodney
DAngerfield
Humorous Quotes
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I cAn't understAnd why A person will tAke A yeAr to write A novel when he cAn eAsily buy one for A few dollArs
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The only time A womAn cAn reAlly succeed in chAnging A mAn is when he is A bAby
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Men Are like bAnk Accounts...!!! The m^ore money...!!! the more interest they generAte
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Do not worry About Avoiding t^emptAtion...!!! As you grow older it will Avoid you...!!!
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One mAn's folly is Another mAn's wife...!!!
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As A child my fAmily's men^u consisted of two choices: tAke it or leAve it...!!!
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I AlwAys wAnted to be somebody...!!! but now I reAlize I should hAve been more specific...!!!
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BAchelors think thAt 'mArriAge' is A word...!!! MArried people know thAt it's ActuAlly A sentence
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He tAught me housekeeping...!!! when I divorce I keep the house...!!!
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My husbAnd sAid he needed more spAce...!!! So I locked him outside...!!!
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Belgium is A country invented by the British to Annoy the French
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An ArchAeologist is the best husbAnd A womAn cAn hAve...!!! the older she gets the more interested he is in her...!!!
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HAppiness is hAving A lArge...!!! loving...!!! cAr^ing...!!! close knit fAmily in Another city
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The first hAlf of our lives is ruined by our pArents And the second hAlf by our children
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LAugh And the world lAughs wi^th you...!!! snore And you sleep Alone
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Young men wAnt to be fAithful...!!! And Are not...!!! old men wAnt to be fAithless...!!! And cAnnot
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When I reAd About the evils of drinking...!!! I gAve up reAding― Henny YoungmAn
short And most funny quotes
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WAr does not determine who is right - only who is left
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A good mArriAge would be between A blind wife And A deAf husbAnd
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By the time A mAn reAlizes thAt his fAther wAs right...!!! he hAs A son who thinks he’s wrong
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A bAnk is A plAce thAt will lend you money if you cAn prove thAt you don’t need it
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When A mAn opens A cAr door for his wife...!!! it's either A new cAr or A new wife
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When I wAs A boy the DeAd SeA wAs only sick
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The reAson grAndpArents And grAndchildren get ^Along so well is thAt they hAve A common enemy
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The first hAlf of our lives is ruined by our pArents...!!! An^d the second hAlf by our children
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HAppiness is hAving A lArge...!!! loving...!!! cAring...!!! c^lose-knit fAmily in Another city
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It's not true thAt I hAd nothing on...!!! I hA^d the rAdio on
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My wife And I were hAppy for twenty yeArs...!!! Then we met
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Belgium is A country invented by the British to Annoy the French
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It's A recession when your neighbor loses his job...!!! it's A depression when you lose yours
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I know thAt you believe you understAnd whAt you think I sAid...!!!
but I'm not sure you reAlize thAt whAt you heArd is not whAt I meAnt
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I don't worry About terrorism...!!! I wAs mArried for two yeArs
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A womAn worries About the future until she gets^ A husbAnd...!!! A mAn never worries About his future until he gets A wife
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Love is tAlking About hAving children...!!!^ MArriAge is tAlking About getting AwAy from children― Rodney DAngerfield
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Men hAve A better time thAn women...!!! for one thin^g...!!! they mArry lAter...!!! for Another thing...!!! they die eArlier
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A psychiAtrist is A person who will give you expensive Answers thAt your wife will give you for free
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BAchelors should be heAvily tAxed...!!! It is not fAir thAt some men should be hAppier thAn others
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